Need some tips for the job you’re in? Here’s some humorous advice to help you out.
We’ve all been there.
You watch the clock at work endlessly.
You dread the next day.
You’re unexplainably itchy.
Is that last one just me?
Regardless, you hate your job. The average American spends 90,000 hours at work during their lifetime. That’s like watching Netflix’s The Irishmen 2 times.
And, what’s worse, most people don’t even like it! We coast into work, hope our office gets hit by a bus, consider getting a bus driver’s license, decide that they would probably take the license away if you hit an office building, then go home to watch The Irishman.
So, here are a few tips on how to survive the quiet desperation.
Quit
Wait, you can’t? You have to pay for groceries, rent, and those streaming services you forgot to cancel?
Oh.
Alrighty then.
Surround Yourself With Pictures of Loved Ones
I’ll never forget the time I saw Angie choke on her coffee after discovering her family photo on my desk.
Honestly, all of these people are friends with you on one social media or another. And the only thing that keeps you from digging into their feeds, printing their old photos, custom-framing them, and putting them on your desk is the weird social pressure not to.
One of my co-workers was even brought to tears when I framed a copy of her high-school yearbook. I never would have thought anyone would have such a strong reaction from seeing what people wrote in their yearbook, but it sure brought a lot of visceral memories back for Shelly Butts!
Stay Hydrated
If you haven’t started already, bringing in and drinking an entire gallon of milk does live up to the hype. It’s literally changed my life.
It’s the quickest way to tell your boss that you are a self-starter and also don’t have a dairy allergy (two important management qualities). Even if you’re not gunning for a management position at your current job, it’s quite a resume-builder. Nothing says you work like an ox than drinking an ox-sized amount of Grade A pasteurized excellence.
Milk, and other dairy products, are proven antidepressants. It’s a scientific fact that people who drink a gallon of milk a day no longer have depression, anxiety, or work to go to.
Remember We’re All Human
We put so much pressure on ourselves sometimes. Take it upon yourself to let everyone around you know they’re human and that it’s okay.
A couple of times a day, waltz into the restroom, take a breath, and declare triumphantly, “Everybody does poop.” Remind everyone that they’re all naked at least once a day — twice if they’re lucky, and do not hesitate to bring up the numerous times Craig has been married.
Use Word Play
Use common phrases or adjectives in unorthodox ways to loosen up a tense interaction.
“No, I’m not busy. Just chunkin’ away at these emails.”
“Look, Landon, if we don’t get those reports in, the client is gonna be cramped.”
Make a Game of It
Choose one co-worker to call “The Goose” for the whole day. Every time they walk in, honk loudly and throw pieces of old bread at them. This is a guaranteed crowd-pleaser and will have even your uptight boss rolling in the aisles.
Accept Criticism
Be open to constructive criticism. At my company, we actually use real letter-grades to evaluate ideas. I only realized this after I heard my boss murmuring, “Frickin’ A” as I walked out of his office one day.
I suspected that I knocked it out of the park with my 17-point llama-themed budget proposal, but his real-time grading gave me the affirmation I needed.
Own Your Excellence
We all need daily reminders of how excellent we are. Before picking up the phone, give a declarative, “Come to Papa!”
I do this for nearly every phone call, and, believe me, it gives you the confidence you need for that call.
Be An Open Book
When you do answer the call, quickly volunteer one true fact about you. This establishes a rapport with the client and gives them the bravery to speak their truth as well.
Just as an example, here are some of the ways I’ve started my calls:
“Thanks for calling, my name is Jake and I wet the bed until I was 16.”
“Thanks for calling, my name is Jake and I am not sure I’m the best fit for this position.”
“Thanks for calling, my name is Jake and I am terrified of being truly vulnerable.”
These are just some of the things I’ve said to break the ice. Mix and match with your own shameful secrets!
Conclusion
So, these are my tips. Well, really only one tip — be yourself. Just be you.
I promise that if you follow my advice, you will no longer need to worry about your soul-crushing job. Either it won’t be so soul-crushing or you won’t have a job anymore.
Either way, you’re welcome.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to studying for my bus driver’s license.
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