Tag: satire

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Dude Breaks Mirror, Gets 7 More Years of 2020

yikes
via change.org

In what would be the year 2023, Franz is starting to feel like he might be responsible for what can only be described as “the third 2020 in a row.”

“I’ve never been superstitious,” he said, “but after 3 pandemics in a row, I’m starting to think it’s because I broke that mirror in 2019.”

Franz started to notice some things were off when he saw several events of 2020 repeating themselves in consecutive years. “When President Trump killed that Iranian general Qasem Soleimani the first time I was like, ‘Woah, I can’t pronounce that name.’ The second time I was like, ‘Dang, that sounds familiar,’ but by the third time I was 60% convinced it had already happened.”

After Soleimani’s death, other events started repeating. “Every summer, people started talking about murder hornets and everyone was in lockdown making sourdough bread, and then Facebook radicalized everybody’s uncles…Correct me if I’m wrong, but Presidential elections aren’t supposed to happen every year, right?”

The only thing sadder than repeating the same year over and over again is Franz’s inability to go more than a few weeks without breaking at least one mirror. “I’ve broken 27 mirrors over  the past 3 cycles of 2020…at this rate I’ll be here for eternity,” he said, “but at least I’ve got Tiger King to look forward to again.”

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Woman Who Ran 5K Upset She Didn’t Get a Cent Of It

via goodhousekeeping.com

Entrepreneur and Instagram brand ambassador, Kelly Berger, 22, was shocked to find a charity-sponsored race giving away free money to all the participants. “5K for running 3.5 miles?” she remembered thinking aloud, “sounds like a steal!”

But right off the bat, there were red flags. “I paid about $50 to do the race,” she said, “but I figured $4,950 was still a heckuva profit.”  Despite initial discouragement of having to pay, Kelly dedicated herself to a steady training routine of feeling guilty every time she thought about the upcoming race. 

Her training paid off — she completed the race in just under 50 minutes, smashing several geriatric running records. However, once the race ended she saw people taking selfies, but no one handed out checks. “Yeah so, apparently, they gave my 5-grand to some low-income family to buy like bread and stuff. I’m still pretty mad about it.” 

She said it’s the hypocrisy that makes her the most angry. “Like, if you’re gonna promise to do something for someone, just like follow through, okay?” 

She viciously sub-tweeted the charity that sponsored this 5K “scam” for several straight days before she started to come to terms with her story. “I guess it’s just like part of my journey now,” she shared in her last Instagram post, “the most disappointing part really is the money, though. I already spent 6-grand on Lululemon running clothes.”

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Conflicted White Woman Loves Autumn Trees, But Doesn’t See Color

localadventurer.com

While many are happy about the cooler weather and changing seasons, not everyone is celebrating. Claire, a 28-year-old Ugg Boots enthusiast, is feeling conflicted. Very early on this year, she declared that she “can’t see color,” and will, therefore, treat all tree leaves the same.

“All Leaves Matter. The biggest way to celebrate the changing seasons is to not talk about it,” Claire said in the caption for a black-and-white portrait of an oak tree, “I’m done with hearing about colors – can’t seasons just be seasons? Why do we need to describe them with the social constructs of colors?”

Her husband, Garret, a white man who is increasingly feeling like fewer people are listening to him, did not mince words about the attention the autumn leaves’ color is getting. “I’m so sick of people talking about these ‘multi-colored’ trees and taking pictures of them. Sure, I like autumn. I don’t have an anti-autumn bone in my body but I’m tired of people making the distinction between summer and autumn leaves.” 

Garret also floated a theory that the changing seasons are a liberal plot to get more people to vote in the November election. He doesn’t believe the election happening in an autumn month is a coincidence.

Protestors of the All Leaves Matter group have come out of the woodwork to support the colorful language used to describe the changing leaves. They decried people like Claire as people “swamped in Pumpkin-Spice-Privilege,” and, choosing one of their favorite autumn colors decided to start “Orange Lives Matter.”

Their slogan, however, was hijacked by a grassroots Republican group after believing it to be a statement supporting President Donald Trump.

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