Natalia Eievas Von Dering, a 930 year-old vampire and loyal Hot Topic customer, is starting to realize the rush of hearing her victim’s screams is fleeting and maybe even harmful for her mental health. After watching a documentary whose popularity spread faster than early vampiric plagues, Natalia has decided to cut down on her scream time.
“I watched the documentary the Vocal Dilemma and I was convinced I need to give myself more scream time limits,” she told one of her wailing victims moments before feeding, “Sometimes, I’ll come to the end of my night and realize I spent 5 hours listening to my victim’s cries – that’s more than half the work night!”
This revelation comes at an age when scream time is more widespread than ever. “I go out and feed, people scream. I go to a party, people scream. Even virtual learning has certainly increased the scream time since many cry out when I log on the classroom.”
The increase in scream time has led to shorter attention spans and vampires having to pick louder and louder victims. “We are draining them of their blood, but they are draining us of our attention spans,” says Dr. Nosferatu from the Transylvania Center for Mindful Blood Sucking, “We are becoming prey to our prey and these young, thousand year-old kids don’t realize what it’s doing to them.”
Natalia is trying to change that. “From this day forward, I will spend less scream time, I will be more present, and I will use my time wisely.”
However, this lasted all of one day once Natalia stumbled upon a troupe of opera singers that could scream for days. She promised herself it would just be “five more victims,” but soon that turned into 10, then 20, and before she knew it, her scream time was worse than ever.
“It’s not easy,” she said, “and I’m also not sure it’s worth it. Screams are my life.”
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